What is it like living with a service member dedicated to serving their country daily? I am often asked this question, and a family member recently asked me the same. Here is my experience on this almost 23-year ride as a sailor’s spouse. Every military family’s story is different–mine is just one example. Here are some of the unique quirks of our days.

I have been on this journey with a U.S. sailor for nearly 23 years. His military career path has changed four times, rolling from aviator to information warfare, to cyber, and now, space. He has been assigned to 17 different bases; this is not the number of times we have moved and doesn’t count the temporary assignments or deployments that yanked him away. Our lifestyle as a veteran spouse and friend referred to it as “Semper Gumby”–”Always Flexible.”

Schedules? It’s like being in the ocean with 13-foot swells while you take motion sickness meds to help you gain sea legs. My sailor has worked every shift–mornings, swings, and mids. Mornings mimic a civilian 9-5, soft of: out between 5:30 and 8:30 AM, back by 3:00 and 7:00 PM, depending on mission or exercise. A swing shift starts between 3:00 or 4:00 PM and stretches until midnight. Mids from 10:00 PM to 7:00 AM. His schedule is based on the Navy and now the Space Force’s need, which turns “a good night’s sleep” into a long day nap. Quality time is difficult when he is crashing, and I am wide awake.

Communication is our lifeline–and a puzzle. We have learned to use every channel: face-to-face, calls, instant messaging/texts, letters and care packages, emails, Google Meets, Facebook Messenger, and even silence. We learned to pivot quickly–what does he have access to and what is safe. You might be asking, what does he tell you about his job? Unfortunately, there are times when he can’t talk about his job, location, and/or what he is doing. These are security risks. He can provide general context so I understand his mood. “It was a busy day.” You may be wondering how silence is a form of communication. Sometimes, when my husband comes home from work, he wants to distract his mind. He will change out of his uniform to comfortable clothes and a game controller. There are other times when he can tell me everything. “Everyone is fine; I am fine. I am at the hospital for a checkup. Our plane came down with no nose gear.”

Travel/Commute? For the first 18 years of our marriage, if my husband needed to go to the airport or be dropped off at the pier, I would drive him. Sometimes, we lived on base, and sometimes we lived off base. But even with living on or off base, the trips to the airport were the biggest pain. I had to adjust my schedule to pick him up or take him to the airport. Of course, these shuttling services were never at convenient times. Now, ride services and a self-driving vehicle ease the load so I can catch a break.

Shopping during the almost 23 years is split down the middle; half on-base and half off. Bases usually have a grocery store called a Commissary and a discount store called an Exchange, which can help us save money. However, they don’t always have a big selection. Depending on how far away from the base we lived, I would opt to shop at the local grocery store. I prefer to shop in the towns we live in because I believe our money and support goes into the local community. I want to support the local stores, restaurants, and farms. We have limited time at each location, and we like to feel, in some way, a part of the community.

Meals? Are scattered like everything else and dependant on the military need/mission. Looking back over the years, breakfast was not something that we did as a family. Our breakfast clocks never aligned because we needed to be at work at different times. While he is eating, I am working out. There is one day out of the week when I start work before he does and will eat before him. For lunch, I eat at home by myself; he packs his. Dinner is more important to me to help us unwind together. I cook dinner every night. If he is running late, I will make his plate and sit down with him while he eats.

Military families share the quirks of your days? Civilians, what are you curious about military life? Drop your questions.

Originally published on LinkedIn on March 31, 2025. [Read it here]