This week, we received news of another family loss. As I talked with family, our discussion became a reflection on those we have lost before. We talked about when and how each one passed. As a Navy spouse of 23 years, I want to share some of these losses with you, tying them to where we were as a military family.

Our first loss was my great aunt in 2004. We completed our third move and couldn’t get home. In 2011, my grandfather’s cancer diagnosis came a month before his passing. His death certificate cited complications from cancer. His passing was hard because it was so quickly after his diagnosis, and our last visit was in 2009 as we were moving to the West Coast. My sailor was TDY, and I was overwhelmed with trying to figure out what to do with our dog and travel plans. I chose a telephone remembrance ceremony with family to cope, a quiet way to honor him.

In 2014, a colleague and friend passed from cancer. She had shared a promising treatment plan, but I learned of her death after arriving at a new duty station. My sailor was being sent on deployment to meet the ship, so I stayed with my parents for a couple of months before the move. As we were settling in, I couldn’t attend her memorial. Her mother’s outreach and Relay for Life Updates keep her memory alive. I regret not staying in touch more often.

More losses followed. In 2015 and 2018, a great aunt, surrogate grandma, and great uncle passed. My surrogate grandmother passed because of cancer, and my great-uncle passed away during heart surgery. I didn’t get the details of my great aunt’s passing, but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t have an impact. Our fur baby, Angel, left us in 2020 after 18 years. I hoped she would have been with us until our sailor retired. She took care of me through all the deployments and TDYs. We had her cremated, carrying her ashes with each move, a tradition to honor her loyalty until retirement.

In 2021, my sailor lost his grandfather while we were in Belgium, under COVID-19 quarantine. If my sailor had flown home, it would have meant double quarantines. His family understood. In 2023, still in Belgium, my surrogate grandfather, a retired Army chef who baked our wedding cake, passed. His daughter’s letter broke my heart. Each loss carried its own weight — made heavier by military life.

My grandmother’s passing last year from a ruptured aneurysm hit me deeply. I was lucky in that we spent a week with her six months before her passing. We took her shopping and out to eat–she spoiled us, as always. I didn’t attend the funeral as we had just moved to California again. I grieved with my Uncle, talking to him daily to find solace in connection.

Military life–moves, TDYs, and quarantines have changed and shaped how I have handled grief. Rituals, phone calls, and grieving from a distance are how I have coped. Relief organizations like Army Emergency Relief (AER), Navy-Marine Corps Relief Society, Air Force Aid Society, and Coast Guard Mutual Assistance can help with emergency travel when you are feeling overwhelmed. How do you deal with loss, whether you are a military family or not?

Originally published on LinkedIn on July 7, 2025. [Read it here]